Who needs sleep anyways?

Sleep! hahahaha I laugh every time I hear the word, but it ain’t funny the countless times I cried because of lack of sleep.

This thing called sleep left me the moment I gave birth to my little bug, before he was born I was sleeping the most I ever had in my life, probably had 4 naps in a day. Now that’s all gone doesn’t exist in this household, we have been struggling with the whole sleeping palaver since birth to the point where I can’t even remember the times when he does sleep good through the night, okay probably sometimes he goes through some good spells of sleep.

I look at sleep in stages which has about a million phases which I’m not gonna lie I find very difficult.

When he was little (well under 1) he was brilliant, I mean brilliant the occasional hard nights because he was teething and decided to grow all his teeth before he was one. He had really good routine that I never broke as he was a clockwork baby when it came to feeding and sleeping as his body clock was the same as it was when he had to stay in hospital when he was born.

He was kinda a sick baby, always had a cold, runny nose and coughing throughout the year, super weak immune system so I know that can affect sleep, but from Feb 2015 everything changed he didn’t take too well to his 1st set of Jabs you get when you are a year old, he suffered quite a lot of the side effects one of them leading my little bug to have Febrile Convulsions which are basically seizures which help the body to cool down, kids that are affected by this are affected from the age of 1-5 this is pretty stressful.

This was a massive factor to where I lost my sleep, 1) I was constantly worrying thinking that it’s gonna happen again so constantly kept checking on him while he was sleeping throughout the night 2) My little bug lost all routine and struggled to get back to sleep with ease 3) He developed night terrors after the traumatising event.

I had to overcome my fear of thinking the worst, this is where my anxiety began, I would have to basically talk to myself out loud and say he is fine, he is not going to have another seizure, stop worrying, everything will be okay. I said this to myself over and over again everyday until I didn’t need to anymore, almost like a prayer to overcome those strong feelings my mind was trying to produce.

I had to bring routine back a new fun way of trying to make bedtime a fun good thing for the little bug to enjoy sleep again and settle down easier.

So I re decorated his room with wall stickers and colourful bedding of all his favourite shows he liked, I made bath time fun with loads of bubbles with loads of dinosaurs toys in with him as he loved everything dinosaur and still does now. Reading before bedtime was a hard one and currently an issue I am working on to be consistent, he just can’t seem to come to terms that after story time & cuddles it’s time for bed, then then tantrums begin.

The screaming, crying, calling out mine and James name started, we gave him all the comforters he needed blankey etc.

Tried the controlled crying method, let him cry till he was tired, the thing is he wouldn’t give up for hours, it was an absolute madness, I was even considering to pay for a sleep therapist.

But we pushed through making sure he was occupied most days and had run off a lot of energy from being in the park or outdoors. But he would still wake up at least twice in the night kicking off so I’d like to think he is going to be 3 soon and starting nursery so hopefully a new routine will follow.

I’ll keep you guys up to date on how his sleeping is getting on as I’m basically a normal functioning zombie that doesn’t get as much sleep as I need but can sometimes see the light at the end of the tunnel in hoping nursery will save my life.

Is he your Son?

Now this question really upsets me, are we not in 2017 where it’s okay to go out and not be starred at constantly trying to figure out if my partner James is the dad to the little bug.

The obvious reason is my little bug is black and James is white. Every time they go out together someone has the cheek to ask is he your Son? 
For example when they go to the shop without me the locals have seen them together time and time again, for some reason someone plucks up the courage to ask the question, every time James response is yes. Why is there a need to know? What if he has said no would they want an explanation to why also.
Another example I was present for, James and the little bug were at the front of the bus and the little one was sleeping, I was sitting away from them, an elderly Jamaican lady walked over to James and asked him “who’s child is that?” He said mine and she said “because the boy is sleeping and you are looking around at every on the bus” implying he has stolen a child, I couldn’t believe it.
This is a weekly occurrence along with strange looks, it’s frustrating as James does everything a Dad does with their kid and you could see the little bug is happy. I guess we live in a society where some people have not fully accepted that some families have gone through big changes and Mothers get a new partner that have taken on a child from there previous relationship.
I am extremely grateful how James handles all these situations as he doesn’t let it get to him and the fact that it hasn’t put him off as it can be frustrating constantly being judged but the main thing that counts here is that he sees the little bug as his own.
I never judge anyone with families and their children because I know changes take place, I am also from a family where we left my biological father when I was 4. My Mother is now married to the man I call Dad, who raised me since I was 5 and is a white man. He took on my Mother with 2 black kids and years later had 2 more mixed race kids with my Mum, we are a family, never questioned why I just know.

Rant over 

Adama x

Single Mum to into a Relationship

I was certain I was gonna be single mother for a LONG time, with 5 cats haha I’ll explain my cat obsession in another post. I guess luck was on my side, because I am crazy and a lot to handle. I remember saying to him “are you sure you want to take me on, because I come with a lot of baggage” he said something along the lines of stop worrying and we’ll see how it all pans out.
How we meet was funny, I am ashamed to say I was signed up to Tinder haha the online dating app, I see his face and couldn’t help but super like him to get his attention. We have known each other since we were 15, secondary school friends. I find it really weird that we always bumped into each other throughout the years, I even see him in Coventry when I was living there and again in London after my little bug was born, we always stopped to talk to each other, little did I know 9 years later I was going to fall head over heels for him.

I feel because we knew each other this made the whole process of trust and getting to know each other a lot easier, he knew I was still that crazy loud laughing Adama and I knew he was that blue-eyed nice guy that always had time for me. So from the get go I was completely honest with him explained my past as there is a lot of explaining to do when you have a 1 year old and single haha.

I gave it a little while before I let my little bug meet him, my anxiety was to the roof because I knew I was struggling with my son and that he will be able to see it straight away. He understood, he just got me and was the most helpful, supportive and caring person ever. He even got up in the middle of the night to see to my son when he was going through the sleepless nights period.

I remember saying to him I’m sorry but I’m really struggling with all this Mum stuff and that I am going to start taking antidepressants. He didn’t make me feel crazy or like I was a bad mother. At this point I could tell him everything or anything, so he didn’t have to be mind reader and just knew when I was having a bad day and did all he could to make me smile and laugh to lift my mood.

He showed my little bug so much love I couldn’t believe my eyes he even taught me a few things, I never use to say “I Love You” or even give my son kisses, it just never crossed my mind. He would say it to the little bug all the time and give him kisses all the time especially before bed. I can’t believe I didn’t do these basic gestures of love before, after some time my little bug then started coming up to me randomly and give me a massive kiss and hug and say “I Love You Mummy.” That warm happy feeling I will never forget, I can’t thank James enough for showing LOVE to the little bug and I.

Kew Gardens

My babies

Best Birthday ever #25

Our 1st Holiday together, ughhh take me back

We make such a great team

Butlins before it all went south

Sometimes he don’t want to take a photo with the lovely background of lavender

That time we decided to go to the London zoo when it was raining ALL DAY

Love it when we capture cute pictures together

They are just the cutest

Easter in Peterborough

 

Postnatal Depression not my best place Pt 3

My final part, I guess I’m writing this story for closure and for you as the reader to understand What I have been constantly battling and still currently living with, but it OKAY. I am getting better, I understand that my mind needs time to process, I am still the crazy, happy, bubbly girl I’ve always been, I still mess around, love twerking and have all my best funny qualities. I am living proof that Postnatal Depression is not something to be ashamed of but to make friends & family aware and with the right help & support it really does get BETTER.
When I went to my doctors appointment I was scared to go by myself so I went with a friend, I was shaking before going into the room with the feeling of a lump in my throat. Once I was in there I started to explain how I was feeling towards my son and how I wasn’t sleeping enough or eating at all sometimes, with constant flashbacks of a very horrible event of my son when he had several seizures. My doctor put me on the list to speak to a therapist and prescribed me anti depressants immediately as she said I have server post traumatic stress disorder and PND.
I started my new job on anti depressants, at first I was loving it, make up everyday, dress up smart & sophisticated, had a brilliant routine with my son daily so I wasn’t around him too much just the perfect amount for me. I wasn’t feeling different with my moods whilst on the anti depressants but it made me HUNGRY. I literally was starving all the time, my belly was grumbling non stop, to the point where I would get embarrassed in the meeting rooms as my stomach would grumble so loud, so I stopped taking them, in hope that the grumbling would stop. I did take them for 2 months but I decided this is not for me I’ll try the self help method.
When I made this decision I got really bad, I kept feeling like it wasn’t fair, why do I have all the responsibilities, why is my child always sick,a little voice in my head filled with constant worry, but I needed this to happen I guess, to really understand myself and focus on what I had to do to get better. I ended up crying at work every single day for the last 3 months working there, I felt weak and defeated to the point where I felt that I had wasted my time and that I couldn’t complete one thing right in my life. I needed more space from my son to really think, think long and hard about what I needed to do that was best for me as I saw myself deteriorating.
My son spent many weekends away from me to the point where he was like ‘Bye Mum’ with no crying at all as he knew I would always come back after a day or 2, but I was lucky to have this support system with my friends as they had kids also so my son loved his time away and was always happy as he had other kids to play with and always happy to see me when I’d pick him up. I know at the time I was trying to make up for the fact that my weekends were robbed and I felt like I never got a break, but I decided NOPE I need to face my problem head on so I stopped working to spend time with my son.
The best decision I ever made!

The focus was just me and my son.

I need to spend time with him as he is not little forever, I need to stop running.

I was so scared but I stopped comparing myself to my other mums as our babies were made individually and specially for us.

My son Ethan is a very happy little boy and is a mini version of myself all the good bits.

I am so proud of how far I have come and with all the help I received all I can say is Thank You.

Thanks for reading I hope this helps someone even if it’s one person you will find happiness and love with your little one.

Adama x

Postnatal Depression not my best place Pt 2

The more I think about what has happened to me in the past makes me wonder how am I still pushing through to where I am today, but everything happens for a reason I am a strong believer of karma. I believe all these series of unfortunate events have made me a stronger person, I am who I am because of my past so I don’t blame myself, I’m growing and learning to self love.
I did have a LOT of support from my friends they were a big part of making me turn my negative feelings into a positive one, I took baby steps such as putting on my make up, getting my hair/nails/eyelashes did, online shopping the usual retail therapy. It got me out of the house or should I say box as my 1st temporary housing was a very small room. I was out almost every single day meeting my baby mama friends and their little ones, it became a thing for me and for a while I felt I was getting better but I started depending on seeing someone EVERYDAY.

I understood I was different when I was scared to be alone with my son, my closest friends were AMAZING always there when I needed even if it was to cry down the phone at 00’s in the morning or listen to me rant or generally always by my side whenever they were free, this was enough to show me I was not alone and I was going to get through these hard times. I always will remember my sons happy smiling face with his shiny moon head and remember I am trying to be the best Mum I can.

I laugh to myself sometimes because my son had many Mums as he had 2 of my girls helping me look after him and raising him we was 1. I needed this as when B finally left and co parenting failed, I lost the plot and needed all the support I could get. He had my son for probably 4-6 weekends at the start of the break up and has not seen him in over a year and a half. Within that time frame he circumcised my son without my permission, took my son away from my mothers wedding day, cancelled CSA payments from him, tried mediation to organise a child arrangement order and B said he is not the Father to my son, when I received the letter I couldn’t believe my eyes at that point I had to accept this person has no place in my sons life.

I decided at this point I needed to change my life around and make this outcome be the best thing that ever happened to me and my son, I got a commercial real estate job at a very respectable company. I was so proud of myself I couldn’t believe I was capable of achieving such a goal, knowing I am suffering so much anxiety and pain, that’s when I learnt I was a functioning stress I decided to make an appointment at my GP.

Adama x

Postnatal Depression not my best place Pt1

One of the darkest places I have been in my life, scary thoughts, weird feelings, messed up mind, in one word UNHEALTHY. I didn’t think it would effect me as I am generally a very happy positive person who is always laughing or smiling from ear to ear. I was in denial, I thought it’s just baby blues nothing more nothing less, it got worse but when and where did it all start.

For this story I’ll call him B, he was my previous partner of 5 years and the biological Father of my Son. Where it all started, there is one thing I HATE, I can’t stand a CHEAT, as I believe someone that can’t be loyal in a relationship can’t be loyal in a family. So I was pregnant with my son when I found out I had been cheated on several times as B thought this would be the best time to confess the truth to me, that’s when my mind officially stopped being mine and depression took over.
This is really hard for me to say but sadly it’s what I was thinking and feeling at that point in my life, the minute the truth came out I died I immediately didn’t want my son but I was far along in my pregnancy to do so. From here I guess I just accepted I was going to have a baby with someone I really didn’t want to be with or see again, at this point I saw myself as a single mum before my son was born. As time went on I was not happy all my friends and family could feel the negative vibe off me, then the time came when my son was born prematurely in the most traumatic way possible.

I felt I didn’t really get that bond mothers get with there baby instantly, as I didn’t get to have skin to skin till he was 5 days old, I didn’t see my son at all until 12 hours later and the basic fact that my son and I nearly died all of those attributes started my postnatal depression. I was living in Coventry very far away from my Mum with a very tiny sick baby that I didn’t want to pick up because he cried 24 7 and I was not getting much support from B, I decided I needed to move back to my Mums house, so I left Coventry after living there for 4 years and slept on the sofa at my Mums house for a couple of weeks until I got some help from the housing I’ll explain housing another time.

I remember sitting in the dark crying with my son in my arm while breastfeeding thinking why me? why can’t I like this baby? why do I feel like this? Why don’t I love you? He is all yours everyday forever you have too. At this point I went to my Mum crying saying I can’t do this, she said if you give up this baby you will remember him everyday, everyday you are not there. So I pulled myself together and just kept going until if felt natural being a Mum.

From this point on I moved from my Mum’s house into a space which was just me and my son where I had time to grow a new special bond with my son and it worked, wasn’t as strong as I liked it but I had one and this was the most important thing to me. I had many moments where I felt I was an amazing Mum and that I have made this tiny baby grow into a real boy, and other times I felt I didn’t wanna leave the house I just have to make sure he has eaten and is clean throughout the day and hopefully feel better the following morning.

Through the 1st year of my sons life was very challenging as I was battling myself to become the Mum I wanted to be that was my only goal. I removed B from my life that was a start, I’ll break this story into 3 parts so hopefully my brain can finally start processing all these bad memories and pack them away safely in my mind so they can stop being a constant reminder.

Adama xx

I had a Preemie baby

Little did I know I was going to have an emergency c section and have a preemie baby my pregnancy was generally speaking smooth, I didn’t really have a big bump no stretch marks I complained as you do when your pregnant as I felt I was carrying the heaviest baby in the world.

I am a very dramatic person so why not have a dramatic birth story to match ha, I laugh now but at the time I really didn’t see how serious the actual situation was. I was 37 weeks and 4 days, rushed into hospital after being in labour for 3 days and kept being sent back home as they do ha, I saw blood then they let me come in, the lovely nurses did all the usual checks but noticed my blood pressure was ridiculously high apparently minutes away from a stroke, suddenly my little bugs’ heart stopped so they shoved paperwork in my face to operate immediately.

My little bug was born 15/11/14 in the PM weighing 3lbs, yep 3lbs at 37 weeks 4 days that’s full term when they took him out they said my placenta was black and my little bug had no waters, they estimated around 30 weeks my placenta gave up on me. Everyone was surprised that I had a small baby but I didn’t get to see him straight away as he had to be resuscitated and taken to intensive care.

My little bug didn’t take his 1st gasp until 2 minutes after he was born, he was pale and floppy and only started crying at 5mins, he was in intensive care for 7 days as he couldn’t regulate his own temperature, had Jaundice had some respiratory distress and suspected sepsis so yea a lot.

I was in intensive care aswell to help lower my blood pressure as I had preeclampsia not fun, I soon realised I was going to be discharged without my baby let alone not even being able to see him till the next morning 12hours after he had been born again didn’t really feel right, as I had dreamed for that skin to skin contact. Either way when I first saw him I couldn’t believe what he looked like, that he was mine and that I grew that little baby, I didn’t even see all the tubes he was connected to just my little baby.

My mother came to visit I hadn’t cried at all until I looked at my mum as she gave me the biggest hug, I had so many emotions running through me, we went to go and pay a visit to my little bug and the nurses told me I could hold him today OMG my heart just burst I was so scared as he was so small but so happy I shared this moment with my Mum at this point my heart felt full.

I breastfed my little bug so much I was pumping non stop I had enough milk for the whole nicu, I believe it’s what helped him get out of the hospital in 7 days. I was so greatful for all the lovely doctors and nurses who helped in this process of getting my little bug home to me

Adama x

My boob was bigger than my baby

I’m obsessed with his tiny feet

So small but so strong

I still have his micro dummy

1st time we touched

He was on baby tag ha

Where it all begins

I have been planning this for quiet some time, finally excited to start writing. The main reason behind blogging is to really keep an online journal about my state of mind and see how it changes over time and to join the parent blogging community and connect with other women who feel the same as me.

I’ll be giving a little insight into my family life and lifestyle I’m gonna be a real as it gets as I am a really open person and LOVE talking, talking for daysssssssss. You will start the understand the reason to why I chose the name Adama no shame, but I can’t wait to make everyone reading come on my crazy rollercoaster of a life with me.

What I’m looking to cover throughout my timeline of writing is my rants, trust me we all have rants that just need to be talked about to get it out of our system. Family travels and activities as I am always travelling with my little bug to go and find lovely places everywhere to take about 1 Million photos ha, finally parenting with mental health issues I’ll explain my personal journey through motherhood with many stories as I believe my life is worth blogging about.

I am new to this and not the best at all this technical stuff ha, but I’m gonna try my best can’t wait to hear from you all

Adama x